How can some girls act like total bimbos at times? I know they're not stupid, I just know it, but then they start giggling and talk like they're 5 years old. Is it to impress guys, is it just a spontaneous thing, is it an age thing?... I don't get it, I just don't.

I need to tell my parents to get a new PC or something, because every couple of  months something must go wrong: the screen, the system unit's fan, the plug... something has to go wrong. The only access I have to a computer is at school so it's not like I can update so often.

Not much has happened. Went back to school over a month ago, it's not as hideous as it was last year (for the moment). I'm considering getting a graduation ring even though I was hesitant about it in the beginning. It's not like I'm going to wear it much since I'm not used to wearing rings, so why bother? But I'm sure I'm somehow going to get pressured to get the ring so I might as well just get it.

I'm still going paranoid over the university thing. I'm planning to go to the Altos de Chavón School of Design to study fashion design, which is good, I know I'm able to do it; it's just thinking about what I'll do after I finish studying, it's not like fashion is a blooming industry in the DR and I don't know if I would be able money-wise or grades-wise to go somewhere else like Parsons in New York or something after I finish in Chavón. I know I can't worry too much about the future but since the present is more or less assured... what next?

Like I said, not much has happened. Still, I have to kick myself in order to update more dammit!

I tried dying my hair this morning and I failed miserably; I guess getting no colour at all is better than having some hot mess like orange hair or something, but I still feel disappointed. I think I went wrong with two things: I got a semi-permanent dye, and I didn't leave my hair under constant heat. I knew I didn't want a drastic change, but I should've gone with a permanent dye, and even Domingo told me "don't buy a semi-permanent one; I tried it and it didn't change my hair colour at all". (I still wonder why he wanted to dye it lol) I've got mixed hair but for the most part it's thick so the dye couldn't penetrate easily. Also, I had my head under a dryer but not for the 45 minutes suggested in the bottle, I would occasionally stop. Or, it could've been that I bought a really cheap brand. Hell, I even smell cheap: mum told me that I smell like "cheap petroleum jelly". :P

Like I said, I didn't want a drastic change, but I want a different sheen. I feel like my hair colour isn't deep enough, it's just really dark brown constantly being confused with black, and I don't think such a dark colour flatters me either. I thought the semi dye would at least give my current colur a different shine but it didn't even do that.

I'll give it another try next week with a permanent dye: Revlon ColorSilk in #51 Light Brown.



I should've gone with that one in the beginning; mum's got a box that she won't use since she says that shade is too dark for her but it is light enough for me so I'll try with that one.

I just saw three guys on a motorbike on my way home and one of them had an IV which he was also holding in his hand. My country is so special.

I'm starting to think I won't have many chances after I graduate from school. I'm just feeling like society expects me and forces me to go to university, and mainly because I'm a student in a "prestigious" school. If I were just a student in a public school no one would give a shit, I could just go off get some odd job and stick with it. But no, I have to go to the best school in La Romana and I have to go to university. And it doesn't make it better that each time I think I'll take up a certain career (one time it was sexology, then psychology, then systems engineering...) and then I think "that's not the right thing for me"; I thought that vicious cycle was gonna end at systems engineering, because I had taken lots of career tests and the one result they all had in common was "computer programming" so I thought I would stick with that. But it's just... fine, the working environment would be excellent but that doesn't mean I could deal with computers; I don't like learning about chips and motherboards and hard drives.

And it's not just the career but university in general. I really don't want to go, I'll be back to being a student for four more years and that's not what I want. And I don't think I could balance going to study and working at the same time, the schedule could be fucked up and what if I don't go to a university in La Romana... I want to be able to work too, even if I won't be paying for my studies (most likely dad will) but I want to know that I can provide a stable lifestyle for myself through my job. And I'm fed up of people like my dad telling me that I can't work and study at the same time, because it just plays Jedi mind tricks on my head and I get more hopeless.

It's also an image thing; I feel that, being a student in a prestigious school like I am, if I chose not to go, people will instantly label me as ignorant and as incompetent. I try not to think what everyone thinks of me but I constantly do it, that's why I don't have any close friends and why I can't outstand in social situations: it's always about seeming smart and knowledgeable and not tripping on your tongue and it just takes up too much energy. And I even said this to Domingo: I want to go so I can be a little bit better than everyone else. What is that supposed to mean anyway?

I think I blame my dad for all these worries; because years ago I didn't give a shit if I went or not, I was actually planning not to go, but he kept putting stuff in my brain... that someone without a university education is worthless and their job opportunities are nil, and that's not true; yeah, there are less chances but it's not like every door closes. But as much as I say it, it doesn't enter my ind properly, I still think I'll fail if I don't go.

Domingo says that I'm not in this alone, that we'll both go through it together, but I feel like I'm going to face it alone. What if we can't live together like we planned to, what if I still have to live with my parents?

I just feel like I'm going to fail so badly I won't recover and then no one will give me a chance. I know that' an exaggeration but that's how I feel right now about it.